These are things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
Q: And Mr. D****** was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Unbelievable, but these are from a book called "Disorder in the Court",
a collection of 'Transquips' collected by Richard Lederer,
and reprinted in N.H. Business Review.